Do you know how boring heaven actually is?

As I sit in God's waiting room I can tell you, it is really boring.

You'd think that being omnipotent he could reproduce a few magazines or comic books, but no.

He does provide a clock.

'Tick, Tock,' says the clock.

How considerate.

I did have company about an hour ago. Two priests, would you believe. Got into an argument about who they were going to see. One of the angels came along and broke it up. Sent them off to hell. Or something.

The walls are blue and flat, although some cracks are showing were the priests hit them. Two doors. One in, one out. I'm here to see if God will let me out. I like it here and all but Earth was a much nicer place. Lots more to do for starters. We've got games but they keep them all locked away. And the TV is good too but we can't stop watching the Disney Channel.

I'm trying to remember how I died. I... I think it was a car accident. I think I had a wife, she must have survived because she isn't in Heaven. A son too. Only I can't remember their names.

I need to go back to tell them I'm okay.

I've seen God about this many times. He doesn't like to talk about Earth. He likes to talk about me. I appreciate that but I know who I am. I just need to know how my family is.

'Tick, tock,' says the clock.

After half an hour, two more men walk right past me into God's office. I recognise one. He works with god, his right hand man, you could say. Dressed in white robes, he keeps his form hidden. But I can see his halo, who couldn't?

I don't mind the wait so much it's the not knowing. Here I am tapping against the wall and no-one is paying any attention.

'Tap, tap.' Says my head.

'Tick, tock,' Says the clock.

A little voice says that this can't be happening, you can't be dead. But I've already accepted that. Someone comes up to me and asks me to drink some kind of healing potion. I sip it and it tastes foul. I drink it anyway because nothing could be worse than being dead. I truly believe that. As long as you're not dead.

Before the clock tocks again I am led into God's office. The same old story. I'm put into a chair, my hands are tied to the arm rest and feet to the legs. My head is put into a metal clamping devive so I can only look forward. Three men are sitting on plush leather chairs behind a large wooden desk. God, Gabriel and someone else.

'How are we this afternoon?' Asks God.

'Fine thank you,' I reply. I find it best to answer truthfully.

'How are your friends?' God asks.

'Fine, thank you.' I guess he's talking about everyone else in Heaven. There are not too many to be honest. I guess you have to be pretty special to come here.

'We've reviewed your case, Mr Michaels. We wanted to have a word with you to see how you are adapting to the institute.'

'I am liking it very much. Although I would like to see my family.' I start to feel a little drowsy. The men are whispering something.

'Mr Michaels,' says god after a short while. 'Do you realise where you are?'

'Of course,' I reply. 'Heaven'

'Obviously,' says God. 'Do you know how you got here?'

'I lived a virtuous life and when I died I ascended,' I replied.

'Obviously, Mr Michaels.'

'I'd like to visit my family,' I say. That is all I want these days. The three men look at me knowingly and then turn to speak to each other again.

'Mr Michaels, do you know how you got here?' God asks again with a finaliy in his voice I don't understand.

'Yes, I've just told you. I died and came here.'

The three most powerful men in the univers look at each other and begin talking.

'Should we be discussing his condition in front of him?' asks Gabriel.

'I don't see how it could harm him. He lives in a fantasy world. He's probably not even hearing us now, says God. 'Plus he is so drugged up he won't remember any of this by tomorrow anyway.'

'So the onset of his dementia was stress induced?' asks the third man.

'Very likely,' says God. 'In the accident his son and wife were both killed. Unable to cope, he created this fantasy world where he died to protect his family, who live on Earth. We are the gatekeepers of his mind and he asks us to free him, every day I might add, so he can visit his family. I don't know whether he wants to die subconciously or simply to be let out but we cannot do either while he is still delusional.'

'So he stays here?' asks Gabriel.

'Yes,' says God.

The clock tick-tocks some more. I don't care. I'm dead anyway. Heaven is boring. I just want to live.

The triumvirate talk some more. I'm not listening really. After they said I couldn't go back I didn't need to hear anymore. I tried to get up and leave, the bonds were too strong so I kicked and screamed. Some more angels came and put me back in my room. It's nice. Four walls, a bed. No books but I do have a picture of my family. I sit and stare at it. Maybe one day I'll be able to visit them. Tell them I'm alright.

'Tick, tock,' says the clock.